What are Four Keys to Unlocking Mental Resilience in Birth?

• Transcript

  Kaely Harrod 0:01

  When we think about childbirth, we often compare it to things like marathon running, or a long distance physical event of some kind. And the major difference in my mind between these is that you're not choosing it or doing it for fun, right? You're having a baby, because you're pregnant, you've already kind of signed up for the process of getting the baby out, right. But also, you can't delay it, you can't change when it's happening. You can't take a quick water break, you can't do any of those things that you can otherwise do in a physical event. So I want to talk a little bit today about mental resiliency. And we've talked about this in the past. So there's an episode that is all about how can you improve mental resilience? And so I want to talk a little bit about what it even looks like to have resilience, and what does it look like to push through your feeling of you're ready to be done, right? And what all does that include, because I think we also kind of bring that to unmedicated labor scenarios, but that's actually a part of every Labor scenario. It's not just when someone is unmedicated that they need mental stamina to be able to finish the work. And so I that's what we're diving into today. So continue listening, so you can hear kind of the breakdown of all that, okay, so there are a couple of different things, if you like searched resilience, right? Like what does it look like to be resilient, a lot of it has to do with being resilient after trauma, being resilient in the face of like difficult childhoods and things like that, or even just being resilient as a child. I think those are helpful resources. But I kind of made my own list of four thing, four components of resilience that I think are really important to the labor and birth process itself, based on my own experience, and kind of like merging a few of the other resources that are out there, right. So the first thing I think has to be a part of it is an ability to sit with your own discomfort and unpleasant sensation. Now, in general, we live in a world of quick convenience, right. And that means that we get a lot of what we want or need pretty pretty quickly. And we're used to being able to take away in convenient or undesired sensations right now, if you've met a chronic pain sufferer, or have had a long term chronic injury, you know that that is not the case. Like in reality, we can't just remove pain, right? But we don't do a great job of teaching how to sit with that discomfort. And kind of like, let it be there. Right? Like, I want to use the word Welcome. Welcome it. But even wishing that it wasn't there, also acknowledging that you can handle it being there, right. And so that's one big thing, because there is sensation, obviously connected with labor that many people would describe as painful. Many people would describe us as uncomfortable many people would describe as, as like overwhelming, right? I had a client once who was doing an amazing job, laboring, look at me and say, I'm going to be honest with you, Kaylee, this is not my favorite thing I've ever done. And I was trying so hard not to laugh, because it was amazing that she said that in the midst of labor. And also I'm like, Yeah, you don't say like, you're doing it. You're doing an amazing job, but it doesn't mean you like it, right? Excuse me. Um, my voice is a little squeaky today. So. So in her situation, she was acknowledging like, I'm killing it at labor. And also I'd rather not be laboring, you know, like, I don't know that I want another kid just because I'm clearly really great at this, you know. And so, I think that's a kind of a thing that you can hold intention, right? That you don't, you don't want to still be in labor, like you'd like to be done. But also, you can do this right. And I think, because so many of the things that we compare labor to our voluntary things like a marathon, right, like no one is really forcing people to run marathons in most cases, right? So you're choosing it like you're signing up, you're going To the race, you're you're actually running and then you're going to continue running. If you don't want to run, you just stop, right? So, so no one's like, oh, well, you said you were going to do it, and I have to finish. That's not how those work. And so that's part of why I don't love that analogy, because it is something that you like, are voluntarily continuing, right all throughout the process. So the first the first point is really to learn to sit with that discomfort, because there's going to be at least some pain, discomfort, unpleasant sensation that you wish would leave that isn't leaving. Now, obviously, if someone hasn't medicated labor, they have maybe different or less pain or sensation. But I will tell you that that does not mean that you have no sensation, almost always there is something that people have, whether that's like, one small area that the epidural doesn't cover, or less pain management as you progress through pushing or different levels, right, like there are different layers of sensation that are still present for many people. So having an unmedicated labor is not the only time that you have to also sit with discomfort and unpleasant sensations. And so I don't want you to discount that if your plan is to have an epidural. Okay. The second thing that I think is a really important part of resilience is self compassion. Now, how I see this play out in the labor scenario is a couple of different ways one feeling like it's not as glorious as you thought it was going to be. I have clients who have come into a birth scenario, hoping and wanting it to be this beautiful transformational experience, and then have not really felt that in the labor process. And that can sometimes lead them to believe that they're doing something wrong, or they have done something wrong in preparation. And somehow, it's their fault that they're not having this like transformational experience they anticipated having. And so I think there's compassion to like there needs to be self compassion in those moments, in order to give you space to actually feel what you're feeling during labor, and need what you need during labor, right? I talk a lot about oxytocin sources and comfort measures with my clients. One of the things I say to them is, if me or your partner or anybody in the room is doing something that was previously helpful, that is no longer helpful. communicate that with us, because we don't want to be doing something that is not helpful to you, right? And I think there's there has to be space throughout the labor process for you to give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. And to own that feeling, right. If you're feeling like I really hate this, and I'd rather not be in labor, that's okay. Right? Like, feel that and be there and own the fact that you feel that, communicate that with your support team, so that people can encourage you so people can help you move past that. But also, there is not shame in those feelings, right? And it's okay, if you thought you would not feel that and then now you do, that's fine. You're not doing anything wrong in that scenario. Okay. Let's do a quick message from our sponsor.

  Kaely Harrod 8:54

  The birth prep blueprint course is a guide from pregnancy to postpartum, giving you the confidence to walk through this journey. However it might play out. It is pre recorded on demand content, so you do not have to fit your busy schedule around a class or meeting time. You can go back and revisit the lessons as much as you need to, and you can watch or listen to them on your own time. This curriculum has left many families feeling confident in their decisions, knowing what questions to ask their providers, and knowing when they should be concerned in all of these periods. One of the biggest parts of this work in terms of preparing families and walking through this journey is knowing that you have a guide to rely on and that's exactly what this class is. Students have told me they felt like I was walking them along a path to know what to watch for and what to not be worried about. Because you are here as a listener, you'll get the opportunity to have a 10% off discount on this class. That code is podcast. It is in the show notes as well along with the link to use to check out For the class, I do really recommend that you go give it a look, because it is going to make you feel more prepared calm and confident for your birthing experience. Now back to your show. Okay, so we have two more important key aspects of resilience that I want to touch on today. So the first was sitting with discomfort or unpleasant sensations. The second was self compassion. The third is support. Now, I like to think of this as like, kind of preemptively planning to need things, right people, and comfort objects, etc. So if you think about, like, a day, that you're not feeling so great, right? If you're not feeling great, you feel like maybe you're getting cold, or the flu or whatever. And you're like, I'm just gonna stay in bed, but I'm not going to like, bring myself water, I'm not going to make myself soup, I'm not going to ask someone to get me food, I'm just going to lay in bed. Now. I mean, eventually, you're going to get better probably in most scenarios, because rest is helpful. But you also wouldn't get better faster, you'd probably feel better if you had like tea, or water, or electrolytes or tissues, or a favorite movie or some delicious soup, right. And so, in a labor scenario, I want you to think about setting your environment up to make you as cozy and awesome feeling as possible, and also having as many support people as you possibly can have that feel good and comforting to you. So obviously, you know that thing, I think that looks like a doula, right. But also, it can be family members, if those family members do make you feel comfortable and loved, etc. It can be a friend, it can be just a well curated medical team, right? But really surrounding yourself with the support that you want to have. So that you feel extra supported in the process is a huge, huge, huge, huge factor. Okay. Now, number four, is conviction. And I want to kind of unpack this a little bit because I don't want you to walk away misinterpreting it. Okay. So conviction, in my mind is kind of something you've set your mind to that you've decided for a very intentional purpose is your goal, right? And that looks different than trying something out. It looks different than seeing if you can, it looks different than attempting something right. It's something that is you're coming to it with a different sort of framework. Okay. Now, obviously, lots of people talk about mental resilience or the need for resilience in an unmedicated birth scenario. So one way this can be applied, is conviction to do this process without pain medication, right. And so that's one kind of genre of conviction, so to speak, that we could talk about in the labor scenario, that is important. So I'm not I'm not bypassing that. But that's not the only kind of conviction, right? Part of part of conviction can be even just your non judgmental support of yourself, right, like your conviction to come to this experience, letting yourself feel what you're feeling right. Now, in an unmedicated scenario, you do need to have conviction about why you planned it like this, because most unmedicated laborers I have supported myself have included at some point a client saying I understand why people decide to get epidurals right like I get it and I don't judge those people because I think an epidural sounds amazing right now. Right? So most unmedicated Labor's are not people saying, I absolutely love giving birth labor is the best thing, right? It's like so amazing, and it's fun and enjoyable. Some people do really love giving, giving birth, so I do not I'm not trying to shame that I'm not trying to discount that. I'm not making fun of that. What I'm saying is even people who enjoy birth find it really taxing in most cases, right like it's hard every time for almost everyone, right? So by Part of this conviction is in advance kind of giving yourself your reasons for doing what it is you want to do in the midst of labor. I think one of the best things to do before you're in actual labor is decide what your convictions are, and make absolutely sure that your support team is on board with them. And I don't just mean a partner or family member do let cetera I also mean your medical provider. Because the number of times, I've supported people that have strong convictions that do not line up with what their medical provider actually does, is incredibly high, in part, because I think it's easy for us to think that we're kind of the exception to the rule, right? Like, I mean, I know my provider doesn't usually let people push on their hands and knees. But I'm sure they'll let me push on my hands and knees. And I'm like, No, I don't think they will, because they don't really do that, right. Like, that's not really what they do. And so, if you have a strong conviction for upright birth, the ideal scenario, if possible, is to have a provider who shares that conviction, or at the very least, is open to you having that conviction and supporting you in that, right. That is an incredibly important part of the teeth of the kind of process, because you don't need to be fighting with people as you give birth, that should not be a necessary component of birth. Okay. Now, the huge caveat here is I get that I live in the DC metro area where there are a lot of options for providers and hospitals. So if you're in a rural area, and you're like Kaylee, I have one provider to pick from right, then I get it, like, I fully appreciate the fact that you might need to be in a scenario where you're heavily advocating for yourself, and, and really like lining people up with what your convictions are, rather than being able to seek out a different care team. So I fully appreciate that that is the case. I also appreciate that things like racism and inequality and classism excetera changes the amount of, of options that people have. So I don't say that flippantly, right, I don't say that, like, you know what, just get a new provider, right, like easy peasy. But I do say, if you have the option to get a new provider, and you feel like your provider does not match your convictions, that is an important thing to do. Because that is how those convictions can actually be played out in labor and many scenarios is by having a team that's not going to undermine them as you go through the process. Okay. So just as a little recap, my four kind of key points of resilient preparation for labor, one is sitting with discomfort and unpleasant sensations. Two is self compassion. Three is having really good support. And four is having conviction of what you're about around your choices right around the things that really matter to you. As a reminder, I have another episode all about mental resiliency, that is not the same as this it is, it goes into it in a different kind of framework talks about kind of like pushing through things and things like that, like when you get to a kind of a roadblock, right. And so I'm gonna link that in the show notes. That is an excellent. Next, listen, if you have not listened to that, or if you have listened to it, just go back to it, right, because this is a really important part of the process of preparing for labor.

  Kaely Harrod 18:47

  In the meantime, until I talk to you again, I would love for you to do two things. One, I would really, really love for you to take a second to leave a review and a rating on Apple podcasts. Almost all of you listen to this podcast on Apple podcasts. And how Apple podcasts work is the more ratings and reviews a podcast has, the more they show it to people. So it's wildly helpful for the podcast, to get in front of new eyes to have ratings and reviews. It takes like 10 seconds. So if you could do a super quick rating, super quick review, that will be so so so helpful to me to the podcast to the business and I would be forever grateful to you. The second thing is there is a link at the top of the show notes that just says who are you? Like you're a listener of this podcast? what category do you fall into? This helps me guide kind of the questions that we're answering, right like if I have 17 people that are all like six months postpartum, and I only have one person who's pregnant. I want to do some more six month postpartum information right like that's going to be most helpful to you. And so I would love for you to take a second, you literally click the link and click your answer. And that's it like it is very, very, very fast. And I would love for you to take a second to do that and just let me know who you are as a listener. And if you're like a family member, there's actually an option for that, so you can still do this. So, until next time, until the next episode, I wish you well informed consent filled, birthing, and postpartum experiences. So all of this information is intended to be educational and entertainment. Please use it as such. And if you have questions about your own medical health, or need recommendations from your own provider, please do speak to them. This is not intended to replace them in any way. We are so happy that you are here joining us in this walk through pregnancy postpartum and lactation, please take a second to like and subscribe, leave a positive review. That is how other families get to hear about us and get to learn from all the answers that we have here on this podcast. As always, I would really love to connect with you. I love answering questions. I know that you know that because you are here, but I would love to hear what your questions are. So if I have not yet answered them on the podcast, I would love to add them to the list of questions to be answered. please do reach out to me on Instagram or via email Kaely at Herat, doula services.com so that I can answer whatever question you have, and so that I can hear the feedback that you have about the podcast. Until we meet again, I wish you well informed consent filled birth and postpartum experiences

  Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Mental resilience is a huge part of coping in birth. This is why I believe trauma-informed care is vital to birth work. To reduce additional trauma and decrease the chance of past trauma being triggered. Now, having birth trauma DOES NOT mean you weren’t sufficiently mentally resilient. So don’t reverse it to equal shame or condemnation for yourself. 

When I read about mental resilience there are often formulas like the 5 pillars or 7 Cs. I love those resources overall, but also wanted to really hone in on the four key aspects of mental resilience when it comes to birth specifically. Now, if you have not yet listened to it I do recommend going back and listening to episode 22 on increasing mental resilience in preparation for birth! That is one of our most listened to episodes and I highly recommend it. 

https://www.harroddoulaservices.com/kaely-daily-podcast/episode-22

Key Takeaways:

• The four aspects of mental resilience I highlighted for birth are:

• 1. The ability to sit with yourself in discomfort and unpleasant sensations

• 2. Self Compassion

• 3. Having a great support team

• 4. Conviction about your desires and goals in birth

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